At 8am today someone poisons the coffee.

thelilnan:

employer: why should we hire you?

me: i got first place on Rainbow Road

employer: holy shit

darrynek:

i threw a party once.  threw it really far.  like 200 feet

(Source: panerasexual)

thatonepleb:

Me trying to finish something important on time:

image

felixdawkins:

how come every vampire in vampire stories is a hundred years old tho why cant we get a newbie vampire like

"how long have you been 17"
“about a year and a half actually its kinda trippy”

(Source: bettyfrancis)

she definitely named her daughter with this joke in mind and waited patiently for years for the chance to finally make it

(Source: oxnam)

booksgamesmovies:

For your viewing pleasure: a squirrel trying to bury an acorn in a dog.

booksgamesmovies:

For your viewing pleasure: a squirrel trying to bury an acorn in a dog.

queerpotters:

[drarry joke]

cakelesscrystal:

I’m sure they made it out alive. 

dikubutto:

blackturtleneckcat:

it’s not rude to interrupt someone to point out a dog

It’s actually more polite because then they don’t miss out on a dog